The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
