i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
