The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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