I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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