Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Randomize
