hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
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