i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
