Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
whose parrot is this?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
