apparently the secret to your success is patron
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
