I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
