No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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