at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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