Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
