so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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