At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
