At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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