Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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