The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
