if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
