but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
