I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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