I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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