my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
