just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
