Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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