You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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