I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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