i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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