textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
