I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
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