Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
