my vag is so smooth its legendary
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
