mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
