i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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