i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
