He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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