iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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