It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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