I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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