I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
