she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
