No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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