Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
