Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
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