having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
