I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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