I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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