ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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