you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
My liver just had a heart attack.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
