there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize