at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
