Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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