WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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