You made me cry and you don't even care
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
