I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
