Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
