did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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