you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
