I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize